Monkey Bars

“Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point in order to move forward” – C.S. Lewis

The last six months have been incredibly tough. Every day has been a struggle and a battle to move forward. I tend to be a private person when it comes to ‘deep’ things, but writing for me has always been cathartic. Chase and I have been dealt a difficult hand, and it’s been such a learning process for us. We’ve experienced the stages of grief—denial and isolation, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance—and some days we go through the cycle multiple times. We’ve been trying to cross the monkey bars, letting go of the past so we can move forward. Unfortunately, I’ve always been real clumsy and have no hand-eye-coordination, so I’ve fallen off the monkey bars... A lot. Some falls are just bumps and bruises, others feel more like gashing wounds and fractures. 

I am so glad that I’ve had such a wonderful husband that is crossing the monkey bars with me. 

“Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh” (Genesis 2:24). 

We have been one flesh through this process. When he grieves, I grieve. When he has a small victory, so do I. Every day has its highs and lows, but every day we become closer, more as one unified flesh, than the day before. 

It seems that those fighting the biggest battles are often the most quiet about it. We are not public people, and we don’t like others knowing our most vicious battles. This experience that Chase and I continue to fight has taught me so many things.

1. Laughter truly is the best medicine. Part of the grief cycle is depression, and we truly have experienced the lowest of lows the last few months. There have been days when there was only darkness and it felt there would never be light again. There have been a lot of tears, a lot of fear, a lot of pain. However, we have made it a point to laugh and find the positive. We don’t get upset about the little things. When dinner turns out to be a disaster and it smells and looks horrible, we laugh about it and go out to eat. We don’t point fingers, we don’t scold the other person. We’re a team now. We are to be unified in flesh. We have to laugh together at the daily mishaps—the spills, the ruined dinners, the forgotten groceries, the unplugged crockpots. Laughing and humor has been our defense mechanism that has gotten us through the hard times. 

2. Everyone is fighting their own battles and demons.Because I have always used humor as a defense mechanism, people tend to have no idea what is really going on inside my head. I’m like Shrek—we both have layers that aren’t for just anyone to peel back and get to the center of. This has been a technique that works for me. When something bad happens, I try to play it off and cover up the pain with humor. Fake it till you make it. This can be frustrating at times though when I really want to just sob and breakdown and yet no one knows what is going on. This has taught me the importance of empathy and patience. Everyone has their own monkey bars to cross, whether or not they let you see what their trial is. I think if we all would take a step back and take a minute to help peel back layers, we would be shocked to know what people were silently fighting.

3. “Forgive them, for they know not what they do” (Luke 23:34). Some of Christ’s last words on the cross were directed at those that had hurt him the most. He was hurting—physically and emotionally—due to the actions of others, yet he had no anger or malice. This has been the greatest example for us-- being able to have no anger despite the circumstances. This has been anything but easy. We’ve been taught strategies on letting go and work on them daily. Some events take longer than others. I picture myself on the bank of a river. The “event” is simply a single leaf floating by. I don’t hang on to it. I don’t let it consume me. At the end of the day, I am able to think of all the good and go to bed cheerful and happy. 

With every day that goes by, we get stronger. We become stronger with our relationship with each other, stronger with our relationship to Christ, and stronger with our relationships with family and friends. We are more confident in ourselves and we are happier because of it. We are moving forward on the monkey bar, letting go of past experiences and looking ahead to new ones.

Y'all come back now, ya hear?

 Now that I'm back in Texas, I've been able to really compare Utah and Texas. Obviously Texas will always be #1 and it's impossible to beat, but Utah has been a wonderful home-away-from-home for the past two years. I've dedicated this post to my favorite parts about Utah that have brought so many memories the last few semesters. 

 Of course, my all time favorite part of Utah has been my roommates, who have made me cry hundreds of time from laughing. We have literally rolled on the floor laughing, crying, and almost wetting our pants. We have so many inside jokes, and there is never a dull moment. It makes studying a bit hard sometimes, but to that, we say "YOLO" and play Just Dance instead. I'm going to miss being together, all six of us. Thanks for the jokes, the memories, and the laughs. Love y'all, you're gonna do awesome. Peace and blessin's

If you're happy and you know it, post it on your car.

But any other day is just fine, pumpkin.

You see more Texas flags in Utah than Utah flags. Beautiful. 

Worried your hair looks ridiculous? No need to fear, put a bump-it in, and you'll be considered normal up here!

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times. 

 

Utah actually has fall! For those Texans who don't comprehend this term, Autumn (Fall) is a season that comes after Summer and is usually 55-70 degrees, not 95. The trees turn red, yellow or orange (not brown), and you will need a light jacket, not a swimsuit. 

Because, why WOULDN'T you wear your Pooh suit to a football game? (side note- that's usually the most exciting part of BYU football). 

The Holi Festival of Colors is fantastic, even though it's overrun by BYU students.

We don't get a Spring Break, but we make sure to take a break from homework to have some fun, even if it means spending 40$ on Post-It notes to cover someone's entire room.

The driving skills are phenomenal here. People park in  middle of the parking lot and act like nothing is wrong. 

For those of you don't understand this- Mormons don't drink coffee. 

I love it when I go to devotional, and Elf shows up!

When you don't have your own washer and dryer, you have to walk down three flights of stairs to get to the facility washer and dryer, praying the whole time that they aren't already being used. We've had some fun seeing if we can go for a personal record. 

People, this is not a joke. She meant to do this.

A 24 hour drive through at Krispy Kreme? Fine, not even mad.

Of course I love the Texas pride you find in Utah

The mission calls. This is an experience unlike any other. The envelope sitting on the table seems to glow and everyone is anxiously waiting, hearts beating fast even though it's not even for them. We have been able to experience so many friends open calls in order to serve the Lord, and each time it is just as exciting. Whether Ogden, Utah or Argentina, we all recognize the importance and excitement each time and are so grateful for those serving. 

The signs that warn us we're probably going to die.  

Cafe Rio is the only restaurant up there that is close to helping me get my Tex-Mex fix. Still a 4 compared to the 10 I'm used to at home, but it'll do.

There are so many parks up there that are free admission. Free? That's something I'm not used to. But we've had so much fun whether it's hiking or bonfires with friends (or by myself. Forever alone).  

Bridal Veil Falls -because so many people up here get married, they start naming waterfalls to honor it. 

I've had the opportunity to go to conference a few times now. It is such a cool experience to be in the same room as the prophet and his apostles. It is something I take for granted, but when I go it's such a humbling, powerful event. 

Sorry for the Facebook picture. But I 'like' this. The only good part about snow is that you can go sledding with friends down huge hills at Rock Canyon Park

Wait. This shouldn't be on here. I actually hate this part about Utah. Whoops. 

The DI is Utah's version of Goodwill. It is seriously fun, and saves you tons of money on your wedding dress. Always a plus, always in style.

Breaking the (Language) Barrier

This past week, the Plowman family graciously invited me to stay at their house with them in Park City Wednesday night. Thursday afternoon we went up to Ogden, Utah (Chase's mission) to meet the Rubio Family- a family he was able to baptize a few months ago. I will forever be grateful to them for allowing me to be a part of this incredible experience. 

We got to the Rubio's house and they were all outside to greet us, joined by Elder Morales and his companion.  I knew that everyone was going to be speaking Spanish, but I took three years of Spanish in high school. I'll be able to follow along to what they're saying, right? Well, that was a cute idea that lasted about thirty seconds. Then I knew I was completely in over my head. I just stood there smiling, picking up on one word alone: Novia. For those of you who also thought you knew Spanish but just realized you really don't, that means girlfriend. For those of you who understood that, congratulations, you just comprehended the one word I understood in the matter of an hour and a half. After taking a few pictures, I realized I looked like the most awkward girl alive. One, I have no idea what's being said. And two, when we were taking pictures, I was standing in between a missionary and Greg Downs. I had no idea where to put my hands. (For those of you who don't know, it's extremely frowned upon to put your arm around a married man. And a missionary).  So after realizing that Chase has probably talked me up for the past 9 months he has known Elder Morales and the Rubios, and all I have done is stand there smiling awkwardly, Elder Morales and his companion left to go to an appointment. We go inside the Rubio's home, and the first thing I notice is how clean it is, how nice it smells, and all the pictures of family on the walls. "Wow, these people really cleaned up nice for us… And I couldn't even remember to pack a toothbrush…" (Don't worry, I did bring gum and toothpaste). We sit down and I take the corner spot of their L-Shaped couch, then laugh to myself when I realize Chase would have totally made fun of me for this. He offers us water, and I realize my Texas education is completely failing me. Surely this man did not just say 'agua'. There was NO way he just spoke the Spanish I was tested over in high school… Then he comes out with a bunch of water bottles. Yep, he totally just said the word for water. Either I was taught the wrong words for that, or I did really bad in Spanish. (Oh that's right, I WAS terrible at Spanish. How did I think I could do this?) By now, I'm about ready to have a full on panic attack. My stomach is starting to hurt, my heart is beating faster than it does after I walk up the stairs, and I feel like someone just turned up the heat to a thousand degrees. How do you say 'turn off the heat' in Spanish? Forget that, I can't even say my name right now, let alone trying to speak another language. Mr. Rubio starts to talk, looking at each of us when he is speaking. He quickly realizes I have no idea what is going on, and talks to Jeff, Alyson, and mainly Greg. Thank goodness Greg is there to translate for me every now and then, or the only thing I still would have gotten out of this whole trip was "novia". (Hopefully they were talking about me, for all I know it was referring to Chase's other girlfriends?)

Mr. Rubio begins to tell us about how Chase came into his life. He drank far too much, and had ended up in the hospital due to the effects of drinking. He prayed to God to let him live, for his three children's sake, and for a miracle to happen in his life to change him. The first miracle came, and he was released and sent home. He prayed again on the very couch I was sitting on to please let an angel change his life. He finishes his prayer, and there is a knock on the door. He immediately knows that this is his answer. Sure enough, he opens it up, and Chase and his companion are standing at his door. Time goes on, and his life completely has been changed. He got married to the mother of his three children, got baptized, stopped drinking, started eating healthy, started to get organized, cleaning and paying for their house became a priority, getting out of debt became a goal, began to serve others, became an honest man, and for the first time, a family truly became a family. He goes on to testify of the truthfulness of the Book of Mormon, and the overwhelming impact that it has had on his life. He has come to know Christ, and you can see the effects of it in every aspect of their life. Their children are happy, their marriage is functioning for the first time, they have stability, they are able to be happy and bless others with the same happiness. He begins to talk of Chase, and how they have come to love him so much. He was an angel sent to them from God, and he is so loved by their family forever.

I still had no idea what he was saying, but the Spirit was so strong in the room, I was moved to tears. We all sat there crying, first because we could see the impacts of the church on their lives and the positive change it has brought. We then began to tear up as he spoke of Chase, as we all knew we loved him just as much. Mr. Rubio described Chase as his savior, sent to his life to change it for the better. I smiled and cried, nodding my head. "Me too".

On the ride home, I was feeling a little sad and missing Chase, but then it hit me. Had I of been selfish and tried to convince Chase to not leave for two years, none of this would have changed. The Rubio family could still have been suffering, and they could never have of experienced Christ's atonement and love as they are now. Sometimes we have to sacrifice what we want, so that others can benefit, gain, and grow. Chase and I made it a priority for him to be a worthy missionary so he could serve the Lord diligently for two years. After meeting the Rubio family, I realized the importance of this decision. Chase, and other missionaries, are able to make such a lasting impact on those in need when they sacrifice their own wants and desires in order to serve the Lord.

This was such an incredible, life-changing experience for me. I was so nervous of a language barrier, but quickly learned that when you are testifying of Christ and His mercy, the Spirit is able to become a universal language that allows all to understand and feel God's grace for us. "Great things are brought about and burdens are lightened through the efforts of many hands anxiously engaged in a good cause" (Elder M. Russell Ballard).

The List Goes on and on and on...

Just when you think you have your life down to  a "T" (or a Q as Jessica calls it), the big man upstairs sends you a curve ball or two. Before you realize what happened, you've struck out, and you're sitting in the dug out, wondering what just happened. You think over what went wrong, think you have it figured out, and you go back up. Strike one. Strike two. Strike three. You're out. You try again- but no luck. You've struck out, game over. Try again next season.

Speech therapy seemed like the perfect job for me, but lately I've really been questioning what to do with my life. My ideal job is to be a writer, a crafty person, and a mom. Unfortunately there's this thing called 'the real world'. All I can say is… Thank goodness for a sense of humor to get through times like this. Richard G. Scott said, "A good sense of humor is an escape valve for the pressures of life".

I think I've come up with a good theory though. In heaven, there was flyers passed out and posted, announcing the big talent sign up day. But me? I’m not one for lines, and tend to do my own thing. I was probably on the side, making fun of all those people for waiting in line all day. Little did I know….

I have been working on my Southern-Belle degree though. In honor of Mardi Gras, I made gumbo for some friends. The thing about gumbo is that if it doesn't take at least 3 hours, it probably isn't a real gumbo. So, eight hours later, all of us had died and gone to heaven; it was THAT good. I had posted a picture on Facebook, but it didn't do it any justice. The smell, the taste… I felt like I was back in the good 'ole South again.

Other than making gumbo all day, my roommates and I have had a list going. "Things we'd rather do instead of study". We stole the idea from the girls across the hall from us, but we've probably come up with some real weird ones. I don't think my roommates are what people would define as 'normal', but we have so much fun. Some of our ideas:

1. Making this list
2. Working out
3. Eating
4. Cleaning my room
5. Take a shower
6. Vacuum
7. Netflix
8. Facebook stalk
9. Solitaire
10. Search for a major
11. Contemplate skipping class
12. Make out
13. Shop
14. Grocery shop
15. Play card games
16. Play board games
17. Just Dance 3
18. Just Dance 4
19. Mama Mia Just Dance
20. Gambling
21. Disney movies
22. Curl my hair
23. Straighten my hair
24. Pee
25. Paint my nails
26. Shave
27. Read the scripture (working on my salvation)
28. Have a snowball fight
29. Bowl
30. Laser tag
31. Camping
32. Karaoke
33. Sing in the shower
34. Road trip
35. Watch people crash into cars when it snows
36. Write ALLL the missionaries
37. Go on a cruise
38. Old maid
39. Go to class just to pass the time
40. Check the mail
41. 1000 Ways to Die
42. Skype
43. Talk to dad about my (lack of) love life
44. Build a snowman
45. Drink hot chocolate
46. Scare people out of the back of Sydney's truck (RIP)
47. Do absolutely nothing
48. Pandora shuffle
49. Pace
50. Kick the ball against the door
51. Instagram dat joint
52. Road trip!
53. Laundry
54. Brush my teeth
55. Words with friends
56. Pinterest
57. Pose Ted
58. Play MASH
59. Peel potatoes
60. Just jelllin
61. Watch Michael's Hercules video
62. Lay on the floor and sing
63. Go to work
64. Wish on shooting stars
65. Jump on a trampoline
66. Babysit
67. Stalk the mailman
68. Interpretative dancing
69. "Cook" in my apron
70. Count how many licks to the center of a lollipop
71. Blow up balloons
72. Read letters from Mr. Cashen
73. VEGAS BABY
74. Eat Brighton's chocolate (rest in peace)
75. Zumba
76. Follow my heart
77. Ding-Dong Ditch people
78. True-Blue Cookies
79. Watcher Thunder Games
80. All-nighters
81. Play Nunca-Nunca
82. Eat chocolate fondu
83. Take a 2 hours nap and feel great
84. Search for apartments
85. Shop online
86. Rearrange and organize
87. Job hunt
88. Make a big life decision
89. And then change your mind 13 times
90. JL
91. Progress spiritually
92. Practice our party trick
93. Text Angie
94. Get my act together
95. Do sit ups with my eyes closed
96. 2 minute plank
97. Make fun of Shelby (don't worry, she wrote this one)
98. Pound the chicken
99. ROFFL
100. Eat subway cookies
101. Eat expired lunch meat
102. Eat an entire bag of chips and salsa
103. Stare into space
104. Cry
105. Admire the sun
106. Download music
107. Make one eyebrow back into two
108. Straighten my mane
109. Check the weather
110. Go to Y mountain
111. Jump off Y mountain
112. Make cookies
113. Then be sad once I'm fat
114. Drink milk
115. Change the scentsy
116. Count Brighton's boyfriends (it's like counting sheep)
117. Hide Mckinlee's squash
118. Watch proposals and proposal fails on youtube
119. And then want a boyfriend
120. See how big the rolls can rise
121. Watch 4 movies in a row

We've decided that one day we want to try and do all of them. With the exception of one or two, it is pretty much a typical day in our apartment. Lately it's been hitting all of us that we're going separate ways in the next few months, and we're "breaking up". Growing up is hard to do. I’m going to miss these girls. We've had too much fun together. But maybe we'll be able to get some studying in? :) Until then, we'll keep listening to Jessica blast her music in the freezing cold showers (thank you, to our awesome apartment complex that doesn't have hot water in the middle of winter) and smelling McKinlee's weird fruits that none of us had ever heard of until this year. 

Brain (And Body) Freeze

For all of you who thought negative degrees were something only in movies, nightmares, or Antarctica, think again. The last time I checked my weather app, Provo on Saturday had a high of 12, with a low of -8. No matter how many layers you put on, you will still get a nice set of permanent chill bumps and red rosy cheeks that are a great accessory for any outfit!

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I tried to think of some New Year’s Resolutions this year, but the farthest I could get was to drink more water. However, after a few days of this, I would NOT recommend it. Drinking water has side effects. Ain’t nobody got time for that.

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Our apartment sat down to watch the Bachelor, and it was here that I realized how much I love my apartment. I don’t know what we were more intrigued with- making fun of the stupid girls on the show, or the football game we kept switching back and forth between (Go Alabama!). Yes, we may be known as “the most exclusive group on campus” or even “The Housewives of Provo”, but hey, we love a good football game. (Side note: as quoted by Brighton, “The only thing harder than getting in, is staying in”).

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Brighton and I decided to go to Costco since the weather was nice (a whopping 31 degrees), and all it did was confirm how I should not be allowed to push a cart. Distracted by the tortilla soup sample and a grumbling stomach, I nearly took out a little old lady. Luckily I only hit her cart, but it definitely caused quite a scene. “Oh my gosh! This is so embarrassing, I’m so sorry!”

 “No, no sweetheart, it was my fault!”

 “No, seriously. I’m just a terrible driver! I’m so sorry!” By this point I’m covering my face and dying laughing, accompanied by the 10-15 people around me. The kind worker tried to offer some comforting words, “Well, at least you can laugh about it?!”

Ladies and gentlemen, don’t drink and drive. Also, don’t day-dream and drive a cart on an empty stomach. Accidents happen.

Homemaker in the... Avoiding

Well, it's official. I am the only girl at BYU that doesn't want to get married in the next two years. It's been a good time walking around on campus and playing I-Spy. I-Spy a girl in 6 inch heels.... Check. I-Spy a girl pretending to laugh really loud and cute to get attention. Check. I-Spy a girl in the pre-med program so she can meet a doctor and marry him. Check.

Ain't nobody got time for that!

While girls are blogging beautiful pictures of the cookie recipes they mastered, I'm just over here burning down my kitchen. Literally. Who would have thought homemade refried beans would be such a hassle? First of all, they took me two and a half hours to make. And secondly, a small fire may or may not have started, taking out the counter top. It's fine, no one was seriously injured, just my ego and home-making skills.

I'm still learning new things about myself- I don't have time to find things out about new boys! Dating? No thanks, I'll just snuggle up in sweat pants and watch Mary Poppins. I went to bed at 8:15 a week ago- turns out you can't go to bed on an empty stomach.... I woke up sitting in front of the pantry with Brighton shaking me to wake up. Yes, it's true. I'm officially a crazy person. I blog to pass the time from studying, I eat frozen pizza rolls, and I wear colored skinny jeans. Who woulda ever thought? Utah may have changed a few things, but it won't be putting a ring on my finger anytime soon! I've got tests to fail, apartment complexes to burn down, and Hell to raise. Bring it on, Utah. I'm ready, and I've brought my A-game.

It must be genetics

Isn't it crazy how much can change in a few years? I never think I'm changing, but when you look back six months previous, I'm a completely different person than I was. Funny how life works...

Side note: I just turned up the brightness on my laptop and I feel like I discovered a whole new world. This magic moment...

So Facebook has groups that only certain people can join, and my ward up here has one. No one in the ward even knows I exist. It's the weirdest thing. Especially since I go to church every Sunday. But anyway, so for General Conference, we had this weird guy that posted for like 2 weeks with a countdown and a video. Every single day. So every day for 2 weeks, I had a notification from James Call. "11 days until General Conference!" So today, April 5, I posted to the wall thing, for the first time ever, "183 days until General Conference" and I posted a video. Do you ever have those moments when you KNOW you're the funniest persona alive on the planet? That happens to me a lot. Anyway. My friend/future roommate Mckinlee was in her room and someone came in and was like "oh my gosh you guys I saw the funniest thing on Facebook! Some girl posted in our ward a countdown to general conference like James Call hahah"
Another girl, "Is she even in our ward?"
"I Don't know".
I died laughing when Mckinlee told me. Brighton commented on it, quoting from Mean Girls, "She doesn't even go here!"

Then, right after this, I've been needing boxes/black trash bags to pack up all my stuff for the apartment/ to go home... I go out in the hall to go to the bathroom, and theres a huge cardboard box! So I looked left and right like they taught me in school, then i grabbed it and ran back in the room. Then went back to the bathroom like I originally needed, and what do you know. There was a trash bag filled with balloons. So, I emptied the balloons and took the trash bag. I'm a klepto. But on a plus note, our hall now looks like a party with all the balloons! They'll thank me...

Brighton was gone for 10 days in Scotland on her own Spring Break with her family, so naturally, some of our future-roommates and I covered everything she owned in yellow post-it notes. It was like a post-it bomb had gone off. Brilliance at its best.


You have to get pretty creative here when it comes to things to do. Maybe that explains the multiple condoms/pregnancy tests that we've left in the bathrooms and hallways... Or when we hide in the back of Sydney's truck and wait for people to pass by and then we jump out at them. Don't judge, it's one of the funniest things we've done. We had Mckinlee in the truck, but you couldn't see her. And then she would watch for people. "Ready.......set.....NOW!" Then we would get em. Every time. I don't know if they peed from being scared, but I think I peed from laughing so hard.

We had a birthday sign that we would put in our friend's rooms, but we lost it. It was originally for me, and Brighton and Michelle got in from the dollar store. Obviously, because it was spelled "Hapy Birthday". SO funny. But Michelle got it last, and we don't really know where it is now. But the good news is, coming back from dinner tonight, Brighton and I found our new sign. It's on some girls car. And we want it. So we're waiting about 2 hours for it to get dark. Then I move in. Sorry, Hayley.

Oh good news, I passed my first kidney stone. And lived to tell the tale. I deserve a sticker, or a llama, or something.


Also, Brighton, Jessica and I set off the fire alarm. I don't remember if I told you that. I feel like I did. But I don't even remember what I ate for dinner three hours ago. But yes, we were playing soccer in the hallway at like midnight. And Brighton (obviously she doesn't play soccer), hit the fire alarm (or maybe she does, cause of her good aim, and just is playing it off?) and we had to evacuate the entire building. 250 girls. At midnight. Some were NOT happy. Also, it was freezing. Hey, it happens. Right?

Well, that's all I got for ya. I've been needing to study for anatomy for the past... four months. So here goes. Finals are in two weeks, then it's Texas Time. Also, I promise I'm not just up to no good. Good things just aren't as fun to write... But don't worry! I've changed a lot, but even still, Grady Taylor is my dad. That doesn't give you a whole lot to work with:) It must be genetics.